If you’ve just arrived in Bumpington — welcome! Here, “running someone over” is less a felony and more a municipal pastime, performed with the same dignity as a town parade and the same seriousness as competitive knitting. Whether you’re a visitor hoping to understand local customs or a lifelong resident brushing up on etiquette, this short guide will walk you through the charmingly absurd culture around Bumpington’s most baffling tradition.
A quick primer on how this is already not-dangerous
Before we begin: Bumpington invented a number of improbable legal and technological safeguards so that no one actually gets hurt. Citizens wear puff-suits that look like giant marshmallows, the roads are lined with soft foam, and cars are essentially big, polite shopping trolleys with cued honks and tiny flags. The whole thing is performative — equal parts ritual, sport, and community theater.
That means everything below is ceremonial advice for how to participate respectfully and theatrically, not an instruction manual for the real world.
1) Learn the vocabulary
Like any good tradition, Bumpington’s ritual comes with its own glossary:
- “The Bump” — a gentle, theatrical car-to-suit contact that signals playful annoyance or affection.
- “Apology Parade” — the required follow-up: a small procession involving an oversized bouquet and a kazoo.
- “Deferential Honk” — a three-note melody performed by the vehicle’s “music box” to signal intent.
Master these words and you’ll sound like you belong — even if you don’t.
2) Respect the choreography
Bumpington’s civic leaders take choreography seriously. The ritual is performed in broad daylight on specially designated lanes, accompanied by a small brass band. When participating:
- Approach slowly like a dancer entering the stage.
- Make eye contact, but only in the approved theatrical way (a mild eyebrow raise).
- Ensure the participant’s marshmallow suit is visibly aflutter — that’s consent in Bumpington-speak.
Remember: this is performance, not aggression. A bad “bump” is the social equivalent of arriving at a picnic with soggy potato salad.
3) Follow the etiquette (or get a kazoo)
Every “bump” must be followed by an “Apology Parade.” No exceptions. The usual sequence:
- Step out of your vehicle with exaggerated apology gestures.
- Offer a tiny pastry at arm’s length (the pastry is symbolic; acceptance is optional).
- Play a single note on a kazoo. Yes, a kazoo. It signals humility and a willingness to be publicly silly.
Skipping the parade is considered gauche and will get you politely ostracized from weekend potlucks.
4) Dress like you mean it
If you plan to take part in Bumpington tradition, dress accordingly. Bright colors, sequins, and hats with small birds are all in vogue. If you’re the bumped party, your puff-suit should be embroidered with at least three badges: one for “I forgive,” one for “I was mildly inconvenienced,” and one for “I prefer tea over litigation.”
Fashion here isn’t about vanity — it’s a civic signal that says, “I accept our rules about silliness.”
5) Treat it like community theater
Bumpingtoners are proud of their capacity for whimsy. Think less “vehicular assault” and more “improvised Shakespeare meets county fair.” That means:
- Be dramatic, not dangerous.
- Keep your gestures big, your intentions transparent, and your exit lines memorably self-deprecating.
- If you genuinely upset someone, there’s an official office where a committee will provide remedial improv classes and tea.
6) Observe the Safety Mandates (yes, they’re ridiculous and that’s the point)
Bumpington’s laws are elaborate precisely because the practice would be absurd otherwise. Every “lane” is filled with soft padding, and the state commissions regular inspections of kazoo quality. Treat the mandates like ritual ingredients: they’re theatrical, performative, and essential to the town’s charm.
7) If you’re uncomfortable, bow out gracefully
Nobody in Bumpington will force you to participate. If the idea makes you uneasy, you can:
- Hold up a small sign that reads “Spectator, not participant.”
- Donate a pie to the “Apology Parade” committee and clap from the sidelines.
- Become a judge for the town’s annual “Best Bump” awards (yes, these are real and very competitive).
Consent is theatrical but real — and it’s the whole point of the custom.
8) Remember why we do this
At heart, Bumpington’s ritual is a community-built system for turning fleeting anger into a shared joke. It converts petty grievances into performative humility, and in doing so, keeps neighbors talking, laughing, and sharing pastries. It’s a communal reminder that life is short and that sometimes the right response to someone cutting you off is to sing a ridiculous three-note melody with them afterward.